


And Our Cracking Bones Make Noise

by adventurepants



Category: Gossip Girl
Genre: Gen, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-09
Updated: 2010-02-09
Packaged: 2017-10-15 22:41:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/165598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adventurepants/pseuds/adventurepants
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was springtime, just before the end of the school year, when Serena found out on her own.  She caught Blair one afternoon, finger down her throat, in the Waldorfs' guest bathroom.  (Pre-series)</p>
            </blockquote>





	And Our Cracking Bones Make Noise

Blair was a good girl, who didn't have many secrets. The ones that she did have belonged mostly to Serena, and she protected them carefully as if they were her own. Sometimes Blair felt like she and Serena were not quite two separate people, but that they belonged to each other in some fundamental way, more than they belonged to their families, and certainly more than she and Nate belonged to each other, though she did love him.

It had always seemed necessary and natural that they knew everything about each other, that no thought go unspoken between them. When Blair started throwing up her meals during their freshman year at Constance, the worst part about it- worse than the shame, or the burn in her throat, or the hollow ache in her stomach- was that Serena couldn't know.

She wanted to tell her a hundred times, to release the awful pressure of this secret from her chest, but she couldn't. She couldn't make it real by admitting it, she couldn't embarrass herself that way- and beyond that, she had always been the one to take care of Serena, not the one that needed to be taken care of.

It was springtime, just before the end of the school year, when Serena found out on her own. She caught Blair one afternoon, finger down her throat, in the Waldorfs' guest bathroom.

"Don't tell anyone," Blair had pleaded in a whisper, eyes wide and terrified. "Please, S, you can't tell."

Serena nodded silently, her expression almost a mirror of Blair's. Blair shooed her out of the room and she stood outside the door as Blair brushed her teeth, and five minutes later it was as if Serena had imagined the whole thing. Blair _looked_ fine, and she didn't act any differently, and she certainly didn't offer an explanation. Serena thought maybe it was nothing, and she should just forget about it, but Blair had been disappearing after their lunch period for months, and it always seemed to take just a bit too long.

That night she knocked on her brother's bedroom door and went in without waiting for an answer, sinking immediately down onto Eric's bed and tucking her knees under her chin.

"Hi," he said, not looking up from his homework, not bothered that she had entered without an invitation.

She didn't answer him right away, and he was content to wait for her while she played idly with the corner of the bedspread on his immaculately made bed.

"If you know something," she began finally, "like, something that's happening with someone you care about, and they don't want you to tell anyone but you think they need help, you should tell anyway, right?"

Eric was only 13, but he was already the smartest person Serena knew, aside from Blair. He spun his desk chair around to face his sister, studying her face closely. "Yes," he said. "If it's something that could hurt someone, you should tell." He didn't ask who she was talking about, or what was going on, just turned back around and went back to his homework.

Serena sat quietly for a few more minutes, mulling this over, before hopping off the bed and over to her brother, squeezing him tightly in a quick hug. "Thanks, Eric."

The next day after school, Serena went to see Blair's father at his office. He hugged her and thanked her for telling him, and she mumbled a response about just wanting to help Blair.

“It’s going to be okay, Serena,” he promised her. “You did the right thing.”

She nodded, but looked away nervously, anxiety building in her stomach. It was just over an hour before she received three text messages in quick succession, all from Blair:

“You are an awful best friend.”

“The worst in the world.”

“I hate you.”

Serena tried to call her back, but Blair wouldn’t answer. On her fourth attempt, she left a message. “I’m sorry, Blair. I love you.”

The next morning at school went much like Serena thought it would- Blair, surrounded by Nate and her subjects, cast one icy glare at Serena, and whirled around to storm off in the opposite direction, dragging Nate with her. Kati, Isabelle, and the rest of the girls skittered off behind her, as Nate glanced at Serena over his shoulder, bewildered and apologetic.

Chuck was the only one to approach her, smirking obnoxiously. “What did you do this time, Serena?”

“It’s none of your business, Chuck,” she grumbled. “Leave me alone.”

He shrugged. “Have it your way,” he said, and left her standing alone in the courtyard, not a friendly face in sight.

Blair refused to speak to Serena for three days, and for three days in a row, Serena went out with Georgina, and drank too much, and was rude to her mother. On the morning of the fourth day, a Sunday, her phone rang.

“I’m not mad at you anymore,” was Blair’s greeting, her voice perfectly calm. “You can come over if you want.”

Serena left for Blair’s immediately, throwing on the first clean-looking clothes her eyes settled on and rushing out the door without bothering to say a word to her mother. Dorota answered the door when she arrived, looking stressed, and informed Serena that Miss Blair was in her room.

Blair’s door was closed, and Serena knocked twice, gently. “Blair? It’s me.”

“Come in,” Blair answered. She sounded tired. Serena slipped in the room, shutting the door again behind her, and rushed at Blair, who was sitting in the middle of her bed with her phone beside her.

“Blair! Oh, Blair, I’m so sorry.” Serena’s words tumbled out in a rush as she threw her arms around her friend’s neck. “I’m so glad you called, I’ve just been worrying about you this whole time and I missed you, and I’m sorry.”

Blair kept still in Serena’s arms. “It’s all right. You were trying to help me, and I shouldn’t have been angry. None of our other friends would have cared enough to go to my father about it.”

Serena unwrapped herself from around Blair’s neck, but grabbed one of her hands, squeezing it tightly. “What did your parents say?”

“I had to see a doctor on Friday,” Blair said, looking down.

“Yeah?”

“It was stupid. He told me a bunch of things that I already know, and then he diagnosed me. Bulimia. Big surprise.”

It was the first time either of them had used that word, and it made Serena’s stomach hurt. “Does Nate know?”

Blair shook her head. “No. I’m seeing him today. I know I should tell him, I just don’t want him to worry. And I… what if he doesn’t want me anymore?”

“If he doesn’t want you then he’s stupid, and I’ll kill him,” Serena said immediately. “Blair, you’re beautiful. You’re the most beautiful person I know, and there’s a million great things about you besides that, and Nate’s a complete idiot if he forgets about all of them just because... because of this.”

Blair allowed herself a small smile. “Thanks, S.”

“So what happens now?”

Blair sighed. “I have to go to a hospital, when school’s over.”

“For how long?” Serena asked, and Blair noticed for the first time how worried she looked.

“I don’t know yet. A while.”

Serena squeezed Blair’s hand. “Are you scared?”

Blair sat up straight, trying to make sure she looked brave and unconcerned. “I’m fine.”

“ _I’m_ scared,” Serena answered, and wrapped her arms around Blair again, burying her face in her friend’s shoulder.

Blair hugged her back this time, her hand coming up to run through Serena’s hair. “It’s okay. I’ll be fine, I promise.”

Serena sniffled and continued to cling to Blair, feeling guilty. “I’m sorry, B.” Her voice was muffled slightly by Blair’s hair. “You shouldn’t be the one having to comfort me right now.”

Blair stroked Serena’s hair, running her fingers through it the same way she had done hundreds of times before. “I told you, S, I’m fine. You don’t have to worry about me, and I certainly don’t need coddling.” Truthfully, comforting Serena was exactly what Blair needed. It was familiar, and it helped dull the fear that she wouldn’t admit to feeling. More than anything, it soothed her to know that Serena loved her, no matter what she did, or what was wrong with her.

The last week of school passed too quickly. It was the one and only year in Serena’s entire career as a student that she would wish for summer not to come. She floated distractedly through her exams, and hovered over Blair constantly, watching her eat at lunchtime and following her to the bathroom afterwards. Blair’s protests were half-hearted and ineffectual, and Serena ignored them stubbornly.

Blair told everyone that she was going to France for the summer, staying with an aunt and uncle who didn’t really exist, while her parents would remain in the city. Serena cried throughout the entire last day of school, sniffling pitifully as Nate patted her shoulder awkwardly, Blair periodically pleading with her to pull herself together.

Blair left the next morning- those who knew where she was really going could be counted on one hand. Harold Waldorf insisted that there was no shame in Blair’s illness, that she didn’t need to hide, but Blair and her mother demanded secrecy.

Nate had accepted the news with a great deal more stoicism than Serena, wrapping his arms tightly around Blair and telling her simply that he loved her. She sighed against his chest, whispering back, “I love you too, Nate,” and then refused to discuss the situation any further.

The final person to find out was Eric, who walked in on his sister crying in her bedroom on the first day of summer. “Blair’s sick,” she told him, and he listened quietly, holding her hand, as she confessed everything. He spent the afternoon on the internet, reading about support groups for the families of children struggling with eating disorders.

Serena’s phone rang at 10:30 that night, and she lunged for it. It was Blair’s ringtone. “Blair!” she said, sounding breathless as she rushed into her room and shut the door behind her. “I didn’t think you’d be able to call so soon!”

“I’m supposed to be asleep, but that’s ridiculous. This is a child’s bedtime.”

Serena’s cell signal was fine, and Blair was only an hour outside of the city, but she sounded impossibly far away, anyway. Serena crawled into her bed and burrowed under the covers, imagining Blair doing the same. “How are you? What’s it like?”

Blair was quiet for a moment before she answered. “I’m fine. Everything’s all right, S.”

Serena grabbed a pillow with her free hand and cuddled it to her chest. “Blair,” she prodded gently. “It’s me. You can tell me.”

Blair let out a frustrated puff of air. “I had to go to a pointless group therapy session with a bunch of peons who I couldn’t possibly relate to if we were the last ten humans on Earth, and I don’t see how any of this is going to help me. And I would rather just hear about your day instead.”

Blair’s voice had none of the commanding insistence that it should have, but Serena obeyed her anyway. She talked, and Blair listened. She told her everything that had been posted on Gossip Girl that day, what she thought of her mother’s new boyfriend, what she thought Eric thought of him, what she wanted to do that summer, what she had watched on TV that afternoon. Blair would give her short, quiet responses from time to time, enough to let Serena know that she was there and she was listening. Serena talked until the responses stopped coming and she was answered with silence when she asked if Blair was awake.

“Please get better,” she whispered into the phone, before flipping it closed and clutching her pillow tightly with both arms.

Lily couldn’t fathom what other-worldly being had taken over her daughter, who started coming home early every night, if she even went out at all. Most days, Serena moped around at home and watched movies with her brother, suddenly becoming the quieter, more withdrawn of the two.

Eric did his best to make Serena feel better. It was the least he could do, he thought, in return for all the times she had been there for him- especially all the times that their mother hadn’t been. So he watched Mean Girls with her four times in a week, and made her cookies, and listened to her when she wanted to talk.

Blair called at 10:30 every night, and every night, Serena closed herself up in her bedroom and talked Blair to sleep. Two weeks into their summer break, Lily jetted off to Europe with her boyfriend, a short phone call on the way to the airport the only notice of her departure.

Serena had decided, when she started high school, that she was old enough to take care of herself and her brother during their mother’s absences. She planned to stay at home with Eric while Lily pre-honeymooned in Italy, but she should have known better than to mention that to Nate. He carelessly let it slip to his mother, who insisted immediately that Serena and Eric stay with them in their Hamptons house until their mother returned from her trip.

It was fine, really- they had spent a portion of every summer of their lives in the Hamptons, and The Archibalds’ summer home was almost as familiar as her own. And it wouldn’t seem so strange without Blair there- after all, they all traveled during the summer, so at least one of them was usually elsewhere on any given week.

And most importantly, the Captain, who was nothing like Blair’s dad and had always made Serena a bit nervous, would be in the city working during the week. So she didn’t mind staying with Nate, not at all, but she minded the embarrassment of two disappearing parents, and she minded feeling like a burden to her friends’ families.

Nate and Chuck were waiting for them outside when they arrived- Chuck looking like a boat captain and Nate dressed in blue (always blue), and they looked like every summer memory Serena had ever had of them. She grinned and threw her arms around Nate, hugging him tightly, before giving Chuck a quick peck on the cheek.

Eric excused himself to meet up with one of his friends, but hesitated, giving his sister a long look. “Unless you need me, Serena.”

She shoved playfully at his shoulder. “Go have fun. I’ll see you later,” she said, and smiled brightly to show him that she was okay. He nodded reluctantly, and went inside to say hello to Mrs. Archibald before leaving.

“What’s little brother so worried about?” Chuck asked as Eric left, his left eyebrow raised in question.

Serena waved her hand dismissively. “It’s nothing. Let’s do something today,” she said, suddenly needing to feel as present and in the moment as possible.

Chuck’s idea of doing something turned out to be getting stoned on the really good weed he’d just gotten from Jesse. This was good enough for Serena, and she sat happily on Nate’s bedroom floor between the two boys, taking hits from Chuck’s bong and giggling.

“I never get to do this,” she said, back against the foot of Nate’s bed and legs stretched out. “I’m always with Blair, and she disapproves.”

Chuck leaned over to light the bowl for her- she’d burn her fingers if they let her do it herself. “Blair’s not your mother, you know.”

Serena took her hit and turned to Nate, laughing and coughing at the same time. “Blair’s the boss of all of us. We like it that way.”

The easy smile left Nate’s face abruptly at the mention of Blair, and Serena passed him the bong slowly, startled by his reaction. “Right, Nate?”

He merely shrugged, and held out his hand. “I need the lighter, Chuck.”

Chuck passed it to him, eyeing them both suspiciously. “Surely there’s not trouble in paradise, Nathaniel. Did Blair cheat on you with Serena?”

Nate glared at Chuck but otherwise ignored him, declining to answer. Serena, who was no longer laughing, shook her head. “Chuck, that wasn’t funny the first time you said it, and it’s still not.” She studied Nate’s expressionless face for a moment, before adding, “We just miss her.”

Chuck rolled his eyes. “She’s in Paris, not dead. Honestly, your codependence borders on alarming.”

“She’s not in Paris.”

“Serena,” Nate warned her.

“He’s our friend, Nate,” was her quiet answer. “He’s Blair’s friend.”

Chuck waited, but Serena, looking down and lost in thought, needed prompting. “What’s going on?”

Serena bit her lip and looked up at Chuck. “She’s in a hospital. She has bulimia.”

Chuck looked at Nate, who stared stonily ahead, and Serena, whose eyes filled with tears. He wasn’t good at this, at being around when the people who actually mattered to him were hurting. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and pulled up his list of contacts. “I’ll call Jesse. See if he has any more.”

*

Much later, after Chuck had gone home and Serena had had her nightly phone call with Blair, she wandered down the hall and knocked on Nate’s bedroom door.

“Come in,” he told her, and as she opened the door and slipped inside, shouted, “DOUCHEBAG.” He was playing soccer on his Xbox.

Serena perched on the corner of his bed. “I talked to Blair just now.”

“Mm,” he said, not looking away from the screen.

“She sounds good,” Serena continued. “Well, better. I think. It’s hard to tell, you know, and she doesn’t like to talk much about what’s going on, but… I think she’s going to be okay.”

Nate didn’t respond, just continued pressing buttons, muttering “Motherfucker” when the opposing team scored.

“Nate.”

Nothing.

“ _Nate._ ”

“Yeah?”

“Pause the game.”

He sighed gruffly but obeyed, tossing his controller and headset aside and turning to look at her expectantly. “What?”

“What’s wrong with you?” she asked him, her expression hardening in irritation.

He shrugged. “Nothing’s wrong with me.”

“Every time I try to talk about Blair, you try to ignore me. Like you don’t care.” She pulled at the hem of her shirt.

“Why should I care? It’s pretty obvious she doesn’t care about me.” He scowled at her, stubbornly, and almost reached for his controller again before he thought better of it.

Serena stared at him, taken aback. “What?”

“She calls you every night. Do you know how many times she’s called me since she left? Not once. I haven’t spoken to her since the last day of school. How else am I supposed to interpret that?”

“Are you _jealous?_ ” Serena asked incredulously.

“Of course not,” Nate answered immediately. “You’re her best friend, of course she wants to talk to you. But I’m her boyfriend. She should want to talk to me too.”

Serena shook her head. “She’s just scared, Nate. She pretends not to be, but she is. She loves you.”

“Yeah, well she has a messed up way of showing it.”

“Stop it,” Serena snapped at him. “Blair’s sick. She’s spent her whole life trying to be perfect because that’s what everyone expects her to be. And something happened, something messed up in her brain happened to make her think that to stay perfect, and stay pretty enough and thin enough, she had to start throwing up. And she had to keep it a secret from _everybody._ And then I found out. Can you even imagine someone finding out a secret like that about you? She’s ashamed, and terrified. And you don’t get to judge how she deals with it, because this is happening to _her_ , and no matter how upset you or I feel about it, she feels a hundred times worse.” Serena kept her voice low so Nate’s mother wouldn’t hear them, but her quickly growing anger at Nate was still obvious.

“How am I supposed to know that?” Nate asked, raising his voice slightly. “How am I supposed to know any of that if she won’t talk to me?”

Serena stood up. “Nate, are you even listening to me? It’s not about you!” She stormed off across the room, turning back at the doorway to add, “Maybe she’s better off not talking to you, if this is how you’re going to act.” She left, barely able to restrain herself from slamming the door behind her.

They spent the next day carefully avoiding each other. Serena went to the beach by herself, and Nate spent the day with Chuck, until Chuck lost patience with him and left.

“You’re far too cranky for me to deal with today, Nathaniel. I met a couple of girls last night who will no doubt be much happier to spend time with me.”

By that evening, Nate had begun to feel guilty, and by nighttime, he found himself knocking on the door of the guest room where Serena was staying.

“Eric?” she asked, obviously not expecting him.

“No, it’s me,” Nate answered. “Can I come in?”

He heard her say something muffled into the phone. There was a pause, and then, “Okay. You can come in.”

She was sitting up in bed, on top of the covers with her back against the pillows and her phone against her ear. Nate shuffled awkwardly in the doorway until Serena patted the bed next to her and said, “You can come sit with me.”

He crossed the room and settled down next to her, feeling like he should apologize but not knowing how to begin. Blair being on the other end of the phone further complicated things. Serena leaned against him and rested her head on his shoulder. She took the phone away from her ear and held it in her lap, pressing the speaker button.

“He’s here, B.”

“Hi, Nate.”

She sounded shy, almost, nothing like he’d ever heard from her before, and he felt a little tug in his chest, like longing. “Hey,” he said.

“I miss you,” she said, quiet but steady. “I wish I could see you right now.”

“I miss you too. So much.”

Blair was quiet for a moment. Nate just listened to the sound of Serena breathing, and waited.

“Will you tell me about your summer?” Blair asked.

It was Nate who talked Blair to sleep that night, while Serena listened quietly, holding his hand.

*

Blair came home later that month, with Nate and Serena both there to greet her. Serena rushed at her immediately, hugging her tightly and nearly lifting her off the ground.

Blair laughed, sounding happy, sounding like her old self, which made Serena squeeze her more tightly. “You’re back.”

“I’m back,” Blair answered, meeting Nate’s eyes over Serena’s shoulder. “Come here, Nate.”

Nate wrapped his arms around both girls, and kissed the top of Blair’s head. “I’m glad you’re home.”

Harold Waldorf, who had been watching with Eleanor from a few feet back, put his hand on the small of his wife’s back to lead her away. “Come on. Let’s give them some time together.”


End file.
